I just want to zone out. I don't want to focus, I want to go "brain dead". Ok. I feel a bit better
After working a productive shift at work, I come home and am very tired. I however need to complete my self-forgiveness writing, but I don't want to.
Literally as typing this, I flipped to a different tab to start sorting my emails, really important stuff. Crazy how easy it is to slip off track. All I needed to do today was sit down and do my writing and I ended up crawling into the deep end with porn. Where I made 1 excuse for myself to look, I made another excuse to search, and then continue on to watch, when I could have stopped, breathed, done what I needed to and went to bed.
And now I sit here in this limbo, I don't want to write, I want to feel guilty for myself, I don't want to go to bed, I know I'm going to have to mark my board blah blah blah
What feels natural is going into pity about it
but that is not going to change anything, all I can do now is do better moving forward
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate on the things that I know must get done
I forgive myself that when and as I see myself procrastinating that I accept and allow myself to make room for nonproductive things
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the same mistakes over and over again
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belittle myself for making the same mistakes over and over again
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself down
I see realize and understand that to continue on this path means never being able to rely on myself and so I commit myself to fill out my trackers honestly for the duration of the quarter so that I can look abck and see at least the truth of where I am
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