I'm disappointed in myself. Not in a "you suck, you're such a terrible person" kind of way, but more so a "damn, you've proven to yourself recently that you can be alone and make the best decisions" kind of way because last night I didn't make the best decisions. That's where the disappointment comes in. I looked at things I agreed with myself not to look at, and it should have stopped there. I could have said dang, that was a bad decision, I'm going to mark my board and move on, but instead I assumed the mentality of, dang, that was a bad decision, but since I already have to mark my board I might as well "get it out of my system" hence the disappointment. But, with self-awareness you can bring change. I am aware of that thought process, I can see clearly that it is a destructive thought process, and in the name of peak performance, I can make a better decision next time. No need to get wrapped up in the rollercoaster of it all. So yes, I am disappointed in myself, but I am also proud of myself because here I am the following day, acknowledging the poor decision I made, seeing what I need to take responsibility for, and moving forward because that in itself is showing growth from the person I used to be who would have allowed this to make me spiral.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a bad decision worse, meaning when I stumbled and broke the agreement with myself I should have stopped and breathed whereas instead I participated in the thought process of "I've already stumbled, so it's ok to fall"
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an inner dialogue that only sees 1 degree of failure, within this I see realize and understand that failure is failure, but I also see realize and understand that there is a difference between a 50% and a 60% meaning that if I fail I fail, but I don't have to get the lowest grade possible just because I "missed some questions"
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am not achieving perfection, that anything less is total failure not seeing realizing and understanding that in reality, for my mental diet, there is a very big difference between looking at censored lingerie pictures for a few minutes and watching full blown pornography for hours. yes, technically both of those decisions lead to a failing grade, but one of those is far more detrimental to what I am trying to accomplish with my growth
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is only a first and last place, not seeing realizing and understanding that my goal with setting these trackers up for myself was not to be in first place at the end of the quarter, but the goal was to strive for peak performance, to be able to look back 12 weeks and say that maybe I am not the best version of myself yet, but I can for damn sure say that I am doing better than that guy was doing 12 weeks ago
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep out of my mind the goal of doing just better than I did yesterday, perfectionism is a program, I am not doing this to be perfect, I am doing this to be better, and so I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to have made a better decision than I would have in the past
I see realize and understand there is a self-destructive pattern within this point of growth, pain, etc. where I won't accept just doing better. I now see realize and understand that to do better, to make better decisions is how I will win. It doesn't have to be flashy and so
I commit myself to make better decisions
I commit myself to when and as I am faced with "winning vs losing" to stop and breathe and to see realize and understand that winning and losing in this case is not plain black and white, but there is a gray area where I might not make the best decision, but I made a better one than I would have, and so once again I commit myself to make better decisions
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