Today my wife and I had a misunderstanding that goes as such.
She pulled up YouTube and saw a suggested video for a mobile game I used to play.
She then checked my search history and saw that game frequented in my searches and asked me about it.
I told her yes, I have been playing that game again, blah blah blah
This happened while at work.
When I got home it was brought up and we were talking about it and I felt very triggered by the way she was approaching the conversation.
The long story short is that I walked away from the conversation and that made her more unhappy.
Here is some more context. Throughout our relationship I have broken her trust many times, lying about porn, telling her my inner dialogues about other women, etc. and so naturally she is at times not trusting. Today when she found that I was playing that game again because I didn’t announce to her, “hey btw I’m going to start playing this mobile game again” she felt that same sense of betrayal especially because I have been spending a lot of time in the bathroom due to campylobacter (a story for another day) and in the office working on my course, and personal process. Her concern was that I’ve been lying to her now about going to get stuff done and just playing a game in there, not the case this time around.
So
She was upset because of the trust issues I created
I was upset because I wasn’t trying to be intentionally deceitful, I was just trying to play my game without it interfering with my life.
And I had to walk away from the conversation because I couldn’t think without emotion.
I gave myself some time and after being ignored and a “fuck you” from my wife, I came to her and said “I don’t have anything to say, but if you do I’d be happy to listen” and that led to a really constructive conversation that ultimately cleared up the miscommunication.
Anywho, we both became very aware of this time loop in our relationship of her feeling/being deceived, confronting me, me not liking how I’m being confronted, and walking away from the conversation. So that brings me here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unable to filter my thoughts from my emotions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the way I feel is what is true in reality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that the realities I create in my mind are what is real instead of stopping, breathing, seeing realizing and understanding that if I am thinking about the situation I am involving myself in it, but if I were to look at it objectively I would be able to see it for what it is
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to follow a train of thought when I become highly emotional, not seeing realizing and understanding that is my minds way of keeping me wrapped up in the energy
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself in the way of lying to others, trying to convince them of a truth that I am trying to convince myself is the truth not seeing realizing and understanding this does not fit the definition of self honesty.
I see realize and understand I am lacking in self honesty and so I commit myself to read the principle of self-honesty
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