Day 49

 Today was a good day

I want to get out the thoughts I had about the conversation I had with my mom today

I asked her for the more intimate details on why her and my dad got a divorce

I could go into all the different judgmental points I have about both of my parents, but that's a conversation for another time

I am here writing today about the reflection of myself in my marriage to my dad in his marriage to my mom

about the porn habits

about the lying habits

about the lack of intimacy habits

about the apology habits

about the pride

Everything she was saying is something I have participated in

Everything she was saying I saw in myself

I saw how I was creating a pattern that would lead to a resentful wife

that would lead to a bland relationship

that would break trust, and hurt feelings, and not be supportive to two growing children who know no different than what they are exposed to

While my mom was talking today, I saw that I needed to do better

I need to be better

make new decisions

build different habits

and step into my utmost potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recreate in my marriage the patterns my parents created that led to them getting a divorce

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to break my wife's trust

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to my wife

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not value trust and honesty in my marriage, yet expect it unconditionally from my wife 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care enough about the long term health of my marriage up until this point to not change my habits

I commit myself to write a list of 5 things I like about my wife