Day 26 Something about slee

There's something about sleepy time that makes me react to my son. When it's "time" for him to sleep, whether at the end of the day or just lying down for a nap, I find myself getting triggered when behaves just like the 3 yr old he is and he crawls around, wiggles his body and seems to talk in a run-on sentence for several minutes straight. And I get upset at that, I raise my voice at him, I'll speak harshly to him, with the excuse in mind of I am tired or I need to get something done, or even simply that he said he wanted to rest. As I seem to tell others often, "is it really that big a deal?'

I mean what is that point, because typically I am very easy going with him, typically I am his number 1 advocate for expressing himself, but when it's time to rest it's almost as if a switch flips and I need him to sleep. As I am writing this the dominating thought in my head is that when he sleeps I basically get a break from him. An interesting point to consider because usually I will be sleeping with him, but in those cases the dominant thought is how tired I am and how I need to sleep NOW, not in 10 minutes after he has wound down. Regardless, my attitude towards his pre-sleep expression has become unacceptable and the point must change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express my pent us stresses and frustrations towards my son when he is simply expressing himself before sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actively participate in excuses of I need a break, I need to sleep, I need to get something done, not seeing realizing and understanding that I have the time and space to get all of those things I need , but that I am simply being impatient because I act as if I need them now and there is no other option when that is not true

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that it is ok to delay gratification meaning that when I think I need something I oftentimes will not even grace myself a breath before acting to get it, within this not accepting and allowing myself to be present in my physical body, but rather being active in my mind because I think I need something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my son full and total expression of self by using my loud voice and harsh demeanor to subdue him to rest, not seeing realizing and understanding part of the reason I am behaving that way is due to my own suppressions thus I am creating the same point within him and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own pain within my children by not accepting and allowing myself a full and total expression of self

I see realize and understand that this point of suppression both within myself and my son is no longer tolerable and so I commit myself to, when and as I see myself participating in thoughts such as I need to sleep, I need a break, or I need to get something done, stop and breathe and remind myself of this writing and my sons need to express himself