Day 49

 Today was a good day

I want to get out the thoughts I had about the conversation I had with my mom today

I asked her for the more intimate details on why her and my dad got a divorce

I could go into all the different judgmental points I have about both of my parents, but that's a conversation for another time

I am here writing today about the reflection of myself in my marriage to my dad in his marriage to my mom

about the porn habits

about the lying habits

about the lack of intimacy habits

about the apology habits

about the pride

Everything she was saying is something I have participated in

Everything she was saying I saw in myself

I saw how I was creating a pattern that would lead to a resentful wife

that would lead to a bland relationship

that would break trust, and hurt feelings, and not be supportive to two growing children who know no different than what they are exposed to

While my mom was talking today, I saw that I needed to do better

I need to be better

make new decisions

build different habits

and step into my utmost potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recreate in my marriage the patterns my parents created that led to them getting a divorce

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to break my wife's trust

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to my wife

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not value trust and honesty in my marriage, yet expect it unconditionally from my wife 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care enough about the long term health of my marriage up until this point to not change my habits

I commit myself to write a list of 5 things I like about my wife

Day 48

what to write what to write what to write

a lot of different things I encounter, but the big one is the point that if it was just me, I would live in exclusive self-interest

what does that look like

I would have a video game console and a tv

I would spend my free time gaming and watching porn

I would probably workout and play sports 

I would spend a lot of time with my guns and getting better with them

I would probably not be disciplined with my diet, food nor information

when I think about if I lost my family, I feel this is the person I would become, but I really don't know

and it really doesn't matter because right now I have them

right now, I want to be better 

right now I want more and whether its for them or for me is a conversation for another day because I am here now

and everything else is speculation

I live here, and taking residence in speculation is a waste of time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life based on what ifs instead of reality 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to acknowledge what I am doing in physical reality and that although not 100% of the time, I do good for myself and others

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself praise 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to celebrate myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a winner

I commit myself to write out 1 win a day from tomorrow until next Friday

Day 47

 A lot on my mind

A lot of changes needing to be made

A new life to create

Children to raise

A wife to tend to 

A side hustle to start

A test to study for 

A purpose to fulfill

A lot on my plate

I have a lot to be thankful for 

I say it every day, I live a very good life. I have very good problems. I am so deeply grateful, but sometimes I don't act like it

I take it for granted 

I abuse it

I don't utilize my advantages

I squander my time and make the same blunder repeatedly

I waste my life

But it doesn't have to be that way

that's the really cool thing about the reality we live in

Yes, it takes time for change to establish

For new systems to take effect

but I really do live a good life, I have at my disposal every opportunity to create myself into whatever person I desire 

be that good or bad

I get to make the decision

I can turn myself into a fool, who squanders his life away

I can turn myself into a scholar who invests in learning the way a business owner invests in his startup

I can turn myself into a guru who has all the answers if you just pay $99.99 for my course

I can quite literally live whatever life I choose

I can also be average, and do nothing exceptional with my life and be nothing noteworthy

but I don't want that 

but what I really want is what my actions reflect

In that case, I do want average, I do want to squander my time, I do want to entertain my life away

How many others placed in my shoes would do different

probably everyone because no one is me, so it doesn't even matter

what does matter is what I do with it

what does matter is who I choose to be

what does matter is the legacy I create through the model I am for my children

my children matter

my wife matters

I matter

I matter

who I am, what I become, what I create

it matters

I matter

It's unfortunate I have to remind myself of that

my life is precious

I matter

there are those that care about me

more than about the role I fill, but about me

who I am, what I become, what I create

but that shouldn't matter, I shouldn't concern myself with that

I should matter to me

I should care about who I am, what I become, what I create

I do care

internally, but my actions say otherwise

every second spent watching porn is a second wasted

every second wasted is life wasted, is moments I will never see returned

a lot of them

a lot of life

a lot 

so who am I, to continue wasting it

to continue flushing my time away

to continue burning the log of my life

watching the ashes drift by as if they don't matter

because I don't care

but I can

I can create that life

I can create that man

I can 

because I matter, and right now in this moment, I care that I can

I care than I can change

I care that I can create

I care that I can 

I care that I matter 

I matter to me

I matter to me

I matter to me

I matter to me

is it a statement or a reminder

an affirmation or a truth

do I care or do I try to make myself

I don't care about me the way I care for Sunny, for Nia, for Gracie

my life feels obsolete, but it cannot be

I have lied to myself 

I cannot care for them if I do not care for me

I matter because I care for them

that's not how it should be

but it is

I care for me because I care for them

one day that may change, but today that is where I stand 

and I will stand on that, I will care for me because I care for them 

and one day, maybe in some life, hopefully in this one, I will care for me 

not for others, but because I matter

I will see it someday 

I love you Jewell 

Jewell Curtis Hicks matters

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that I matter 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only care for me because I need to care about me in order to care for others

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to love myself not verbally but through the way I live my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to continue to abuse myself day in and day out, not because I don't care, but because I don't care about me 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to watch porn

I commit myself to never watching porn ever again 

Day 46

 Resistance. 

Gracie suggested I find a way to make writing fun, so here I am. Having a blast....

not really

I am struggling with this. I don't want to do. I am making excuses about not seeing the value, not understanding the point, but that is one of the lessons I think is crucial for me to really grasp at this point in my life is that when you commit to doing something, it needs to get done. No further discussions, no renegotiations, no falling through.

Now obviously as I have learned over the last several months between my campylobacter situations and Gracie's stint in the hospital emergencies do happen, but rules aren't made for the 1% of exceptions, they are made for the 99% of occurrences.

99% of the time, there is nothing so significant going on that I am unable to follow through on my commitments, but not 99% do I do what I committed to do. Hmm interesting

If you ask me it's about time I learned how to follow through

RULE

5 minute brain dump

5 self-forgiveness statements

1 commitment statement

must be written and read aloud in the same day to count as a pass

that is the commitment I made to myself for the quarter. I believe I am over 50% but I don't think I have made it all the way to 75%

now granted there was a 1% occurrence during this quarter with Gracie being admitted to the hospital so I wouldn't expect a clean 100% passing rate, but I was missing days before she was admitted and I have missed days since she has been home. I believe we should all give ourselves some grace, but a line needs to be drawn indicating we simply just are not committed. 

I feel better now, it felt good to write that and it was real. 

It's time to do better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not learn the skill of following through with commitments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I make a commitment, create a backdoor for myself wherein I accept and allow myself to not follow through with the commitment 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not intentionally build the skill of following through with my commitments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in resistance to change by not following through with commitments 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that I have been building a skill of not following through with commitments and have unconsciously, yet willingly gotten really good at it

I commit myself to, after putting my family to sleep every night, complete my writing before getting on my phone or participating in distractions

Day 45

 I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to actually rest

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to focus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe resting makes me lazy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself constantly

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to make time to be alone with myself

I commit myself to stay off my phone until I have completed my TT and course work tomorrow morning

Day 44

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my resistance and not do my writing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overwhelm myself by thinking I have to do more than what I committed to

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stick to my commitments

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to forgive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not do my writing 

I commit myself to do my writing tomorrow

Day 43

 Gracie Finally made it home. What a week it has been. A rollercoaster of emotions, new experiences, but we made it through

I left our kids alone without me or Gracie for the first time in their lives with the exception of 2 very small intervals with Sunny years ago

Gracie was the one who was really sick and requiring medical attention, which is usually not the case. I told her, if I was a betting man, I would have put money I was going to be the first one admitted to the hospital and that she'd be the one looking out for me. what an interesting position that put us in 

It was really cool also because gracie and I essentially got to switch perspectives as she noted. 

She has, due to my leg/nerve pain, had to deal with me being unable to walk at times and helping me with the simplest of tasks.

I have, due to being at work, never had to put both kids down for sleep. 

Now she cannot walk and I was fully responsible for both kids, so we both gained some valuable insights

Everything that I have written up until this line is incredibly surface level and required 0% effort and cleared 0% mental real estate

I was dealing with a confusing array of emotions, stress, exhaustion, sadness, worry, and I was not able to effectively sort through or process any of it while she was in the hospital because I did not make the time for it between making sure she was ok and taking care of my babies. The few opportunities that I did have I chose to watch porn, play games on my phone, or watch vampire diaries. Now here I am repeating the cycles that have repeated over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and aover anf aover and aover and aover aond aover and over and oaver and over and aover and over and over and aover anf ave\

you get the point

I watched porn instead of doing my writing/TT or sorting through any of the jumbled mess that has been my mind for the last week. been there done that, I am not going to berate myself because we did have a real life emergency, and this is our second real life emergency in the last three months, so I am not going to discount that, but it does help me to see realize and understand where I am at right now, and what I am made of. My goal is not to be perfect, and so this week has been an opportunity to see where I can improve. to see what I can do better. Gracie is home now, I will be off work for the next 8 weeks, so this is the perfect opportunity for me to lock in on my journey and my process. The last few weeks where everything has been normal, I have done really well with taking care of myself across the spectrum. When an emergency arose, however, I failed to lock in on what was working and allowed myself to be carried away by the tidal wave that was my wife being admitted to the hospital for 5 nights and 6 days. I wish I would have done things different, I could have been much more stable for my kids, but here I am now seeing realizing and understanding what was versus what could have been and I can do nothing about it now, but do better now. Goodnight. its almost 1 am, I'll write more later.