Day 47

 A lot on my mind

A lot of changes needing to be made

A new life to create

Children to raise

A wife to tend to 

A side hustle to start

A test to study for 

A purpose to fulfill

A lot on my plate

I have a lot to be thankful for 

I say it every day, I live a very good life. I have very good problems. I am so deeply grateful, but sometimes I don't act like it

I take it for granted 

I abuse it

I don't utilize my advantages

I squander my time and make the same blunder repeatedly

I waste my life

But it doesn't have to be that way

that's the really cool thing about the reality we live in

Yes, it takes time for change to establish

For new systems to take effect

but I really do live a good life, I have at my disposal every opportunity to create myself into whatever person I desire 

be that good or bad

I get to make the decision

I can turn myself into a fool, who squanders his life away

I can turn myself into a scholar who invests in learning the way a business owner invests in his startup

I can turn myself into a guru who has all the answers if you just pay $99.99 for my course

I can quite literally live whatever life I choose

I can also be average, and do nothing exceptional with my life and be nothing noteworthy

but I don't want that 

but what I really want is what my actions reflect

In that case, I do want average, I do want to squander my time, I do want to entertain my life away

How many others placed in my shoes would do different

probably everyone because no one is me, so it doesn't even matter

what does matter is what I do with it

what does matter is who I choose to be

what does matter is the legacy I create through the model I am for my children

my children matter

my wife matters

I matter

I matter

who I am, what I become, what I create

it matters

I matter

It's unfortunate I have to remind myself of that

my life is precious

I matter

there are those that care about me

more than about the role I fill, but about me

who I am, what I become, what I create

but that shouldn't matter, I shouldn't concern myself with that

I should matter to me

I should care about who I am, what I become, what I create

I do care

internally, but my actions say otherwise

every second spent watching porn is a second wasted

every second wasted is life wasted, is moments I will never see returned

a lot of them

a lot of life

a lot 

so who am I, to continue wasting it

to continue flushing my time away

to continue burning the log of my life

watching the ashes drift by as if they don't matter

because I don't care

but I can

I can create that life

I can create that man

I can 

because I matter, and right now in this moment, I care that I can

I care than I can change

I care that I can create

I care that I can 

I care that I matter 

I matter to me

I matter to me

I matter to me

I matter to me

is it a statement or a reminder

an affirmation or a truth

do I care or do I try to make myself

I don't care about me the way I care for Sunny, for Nia, for Gracie

my life feels obsolete, but it cannot be

I have lied to myself 

I cannot care for them if I do not care for me

I matter because I care for them

that's not how it should be

but it is

I care for me because I care for them

one day that may change, but today that is where I stand 

and I will stand on that, I will care for me because I care for them 

and one day, maybe in some life, hopefully in this one, I will care for me 

not for others, but because I matter

I will see it someday 

I love you Jewell 

Jewell Curtis Hicks matters

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that I matter 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only care for me because I need to care about me in order to care for others

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to love myself not verbally but through the way I live my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to continue to abuse myself day in and day out, not because I don't care, but because I don't care about me 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to watch porn

I commit myself to never watching porn ever again