Day 43

 Gracie Finally made it home. What a week it has been. A rollercoaster of emotions, new experiences, but we made it through

I left our kids alone without me or Gracie for the first time in their lives with the exception of 2 very small intervals with Sunny years ago

Gracie was the one who was really sick and requiring medical attention, which is usually not the case. I told her, if I was a betting man, I would have put money I was going to be the first one admitted to the hospital and that she'd be the one looking out for me. what an interesting position that put us in 

It was really cool also because gracie and I essentially got to switch perspectives as she noted. 

She has, due to my leg/nerve pain, had to deal with me being unable to walk at times and helping me with the simplest of tasks.

I have, due to being at work, never had to put both kids down for sleep. 

Now she cannot walk and I was fully responsible for both kids, so we both gained some valuable insights

Everything that I have written up until this line is incredibly surface level and required 0% effort and cleared 0% mental real estate

I was dealing with a confusing array of emotions, stress, exhaustion, sadness, worry, and I was not able to effectively sort through or process any of it while she was in the hospital because I did not make the time for it between making sure she was ok and taking care of my babies. The few opportunities that I did have I chose to watch porn, play games on my phone, or watch vampire diaries. Now here I am repeating the cycles that have repeated over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and aover anf aover and aover and aover aond aover and over and oaver and over and aover and over and over and aover anf ave\

you get the point

I watched porn instead of doing my writing/TT or sorting through any of the jumbled mess that has been my mind for the last week. been there done that, I am not going to berate myself because we did have a real life emergency, and this is our second real life emergency in the last three months, so I am not going to discount that, but it does help me to see realize and understand where I am at right now, and what I am made of. My goal is not to be perfect, and so this week has been an opportunity to see where I can improve. to see what I can do better. Gracie is home now, I will be off work for the next 8 weeks, so this is the perfect opportunity for me to lock in on my journey and my process. The last few weeks where everything has been normal, I have done really well with taking care of myself across the spectrum. When an emergency arose, however, I failed to lock in on what was working and allowed myself to be carried away by the tidal wave that was my wife being admitted to the hospital for 5 nights and 6 days. I wish I would have done things different, I could have been much more stable for my kids, but here I am now seeing realizing and understanding what was versus what could have been and I can do nothing about it now, but do better now. Goodnight. its almost 1 am, I'll write more later.