Day 42

 I truly think I am a cocky mf. 

Not like I’m so good or anything, but I really do think I am full of myself. I think I’m the most handsome, the sexiest dick swanging mf around. I think I’ve got the best looks, the best jokes, the best style, the best mind, the best personality, etc. 

I really feel like I can’t be beat. 

Buttttt

That’s not reality😂 

I mean maybe it is, but every single one of those things is subjective. Someone who hates anything that’s got brown skin, probably thinks the exact opposite of every single thing that I wrote up there. 

Heterosexual men, more than likely do not find me the sexiest dick swanging mf around, because like myself I would not find anything (other than myself) that’s related to the phrase dick swanging to be sexy in anyyyyy way.  

I don’t inherently see anything wrong with being very confident, but lately I’ve noticed the recurrence of a pattern where I feel so good about who I am…….

I stopped myself short, because maybe what I’m writing isn’t true. Maybe I’m not so happy with myself..

I do wish I was taller, I wish I knew the “perfect” way to style my hair, I was I was a “shower not a grower” and could just point to my generous print at any time of the day to let other guys know they don’t have what I have. 

I wish I could make more people laugh, that more of my jokes landed, that I got more praise, and more compliments. 

On and on and on. When I look in the mirror lately I feel very good about myself, more so than a lot of different points in my life, but there is a degree of dissatisfaction that I would be very a very dishonest man not to mention. 

I think, I think, that it’s because I’m not completely satisfied with a lot of these areas in my life, is why I come across as very cocky in my own mind and maybe that’s the difference because the confidence and being cocky is that in the former I accept me just for who I am and in the latter I act more [insert] because I’m not accepting myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and feel better about myself, by putting others down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and feel better about myself, by being arrogant or cocky

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my insecurities within a character who is cocky, talks a lot of shit, and acts as if he can't be bothered, within this I see realize and understand that hiding my insecurities is not going to support me to feel better about myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept myself for the way I am, my hair, my skin, my dick, my body type, etc. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unhappy with myself when there are many characteristics that I have wished on myself in the past that I now possess, not seeing realizing, understanding that I have a pattern of asking for something and being ungrateful when I get it

I commit myself to do at least 15 minutes of exercise every day until this upcoming Sunday to control what I can control about my appearance