Day 29 Divorce

 I recently got triggered to recall a video of me competing in sports, which led me to ask my dad about his hard drive containing videos of me and my brother being competitive athletes. There is another writing for another day to do on many points within that, but that's not why I am here tonight...

Tonight I am here to make a word web surrounding the word divorce

I was looking at my progress through the years of sports and noticing the huge difference in myself between the years. Today I found a video of when I was in 8th grade which opened this train of thought...

I never won in an individual sport like track until the 8th grade. 

However for years before that I was putting in the work to better myself and that is when it really started to show

Freshman year was better than 8th grade being able to make it to the valley track meet for highschoolers in the Central Valley, having to beat sophomores, juniors, and seniors to be in that position.

Sophomore year, I didn't do as well as freshman year due to increasing physical pain

Junior year my marks I don't believed improved much from the years prior and the pain was near unbearable

Senior year I was unable to compete from the pain and had to be put in a cast for my injury

That's the chronological order, so what happened at that plateau from freshman to sophomore to junior year

Ah, that's what brings us to today's writing. In the summer following my sophomore year, is when my mom told my family that she would be separating from my dad and that from that point they would be living separate. Which brings me to my word web

divorce

separate

separation

abandoned

house

leaving the house

rushville

mira sol

apartment 

duplex

packing up

annoyed

suppressed

repressed

upset

bothered

depressed

anxious

mad

pissed off

fucking angry

mad as hell

I want to hit something

I want to hit someone

I want to hit mom

fuck you

fuck you mom

get away from dad

happy to be out from him

freedom 

do whatever I want

no consequences

crying

tears of sadness

tears of frustration

tears of anger

fuck mom

fuck you dad

fuck that nigga

you piss me off

long texts

angry texts

confused

emotional

jumbled

rollercoaster

unstable

wine

red wine

alcohol

boyfriends 

random guys

late nights

drunk mom

drunk

picking mom up drunk

fucking mad

terrible mom

alone

left

marriage

happy

uncertain

mad

angry

crying

emotional

bothered

left

alone

left alone

abandoned

regret

parents

dad

sorry

apologetic

disregarded

fucked up

wrong

wronged

abandoned

messed up

pain

shins

sports

bry

kiss

herpes

sex

virginity

separated

end of family

broken family

broken up

broken

recycled

nonrenewable

broken agreement

broken up

im so sad

im so alone

im sorry dad

that was fucked up

i didnt know better

left him all alone

sobbing

held in

holding on

stuff it down

hide it

bury the emotion

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to feel the pain of my parent's divorce

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from my pain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to numb the pain so I don't have to feel it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the pain of my parent's divorce without expressing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the way I feel about my parents divorce

I commit myself to meet with each of my parents individually before the end of the month to talk to them about their divorce