Day 25 the truth or not the truth

 June 30th - July 2nd, did really well with all of the habits that I set forth for myself. July 3rd, I worked from 830 am, not getting home until after 10 pm. That night, I gave myself an excuse. I am tired, I worked all day, my computer is about to die, etc. What I did that night was go back into my thinking brain and I began to renegotiate the contract I made with myself to follow through with a few simple habits for the entire quarter, with the exception of my course. 30 min of course work or a practice test until my testing date, 1 TT basics list, 1 self-forgiveness blog, and not watching porn. Well on the night of the 3rd when I got home and I wanted nothing more than to just hang out and watch a show, I decided that it was ok to not do my TT with the limited computer charge that I had left. I decided it was ok to not use my phone to do my self-forgiveness writing, and the following day which was yesterday I continued this negotiation with myself extending it to my habit of not looking at, searching for, or watching porn, by doing all of those things. I continued with this pattern of breaking my agreements with self by engaging in the inner dialogue of whether or not to hold myself accountable to track the habit of not looking at porn or by doing it in such a way as to hide the true result from my wife. Well phew, good thing I woke up this morning and decided to fall back on the decision I made instead of continuing down this path of self-destructive decisions. I admitted to my wife the decisions I made, told her the truth of when and how many times I broke that habit, and then even told her about how I was planning on not following through to track this habit self-honestly. Why?? Because a big factor in creating the person I desire to be is by giving my wife 100% honesty 100% of the time, why?? because when my wife and I got married we did so based on an agreement and within that agreement, we decided that we would both live self-honestly. Well if I am lying to her then I am lying to myself and that is no way to build a successful relationship. The long story that is too long to be short is, participation in an inner dialogue that allows me to renegotiate the agreements and commitments I have made with myself are destructive and need to be remediated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to renegotiate the agreements and commitments that I have made with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an inner dialogue that allows me to not live up to my full potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in such a way that does not fit the definition of peak performance meaning to compete with myself with the goal of outperforming the person that I was the day prior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be content with complacency, meaning to be ok with settling as the person I was previously, or less

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand the detriment of not pursuing growth, within this, if you are not growing you are dying and what that truly looks like. being chronically tired, constantly in pain, unable to focus, stress and irritation, etc.

I now see realize and understand that prior to beginning this new quarter of my life the person that I was, was ok with not taking a step forward every day, was ok with not following through with his commitments, was ok with breaking his agreements to himself, and I now see realize and understand that to be better than I was is to make new decisions. 

I commit myself to follow through with my previous commitment of reading the self-perfected principles and to do that today

I commit myself to read through the tree of life and see what I have participated in by not following through with my commitments and to see what I need to do to remediate that point within myself

Day 24 and so it continues

 "this too shall pass"

Time after time in my adult life I have made very strong, very passionate, and at times very stupid decisions (shoutout to me for being able to make a decision), but sticking with the decision... well we've got some work to do in that department. 

This time feels different, but it's not about how I feel. If I just did what I felt like, I wouldn't be writing this right now, I'd be approximately 2 minutes into my next episode of vampire diaries. But therein lies the problem, is that historically I do have a track record of making my decisions based on the way I feel, which can be beneficial at times to leverage energy, but the problem within the pattern lies in the discontinuation of the feeling that led to the decision being made. 

I felt like I needed a complete rework of my life in 2020 when I quit valley strong, so with all the emotion and passion and drive I could muster, I quit my job, I cleaned out my closet, and I set course for the rest of my life and thennnn something changed in my feeling and I didn't really work that hard at creating the life I wanted 

and then I felt like I needed to shed my identity so I shaved my hair that I had been growing for 7 years, told everyone around me I am taking control of my life and thennnnn something changed in the way I felt and cared more about porn and video games than creating anything or developing myself

and then and then and then

"this too shall pass"

the double edged sword. pain, trauma, fatigue, it doesn't last forever. neither do feelings. but principles those can stay the same

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to revolve my life, my actions or lack thereof on the way that I feel

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change the way that I live my life when the way that I feel changes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself such a fickle foundation from which to grow by not grounding myself in a set of principles to live by

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change the principles that I live by when the way that I feel changes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that when I make emotional decisions based on how I feel, if there is no foundation of principle within that decision then as soon as the emotion fades or the feeling changes that there will be nothing left to stand on and I will free fall until a new emotion or feeling arises for me to make a new decision

I see realize and understand the point of why it makes no practical sense to make decisions or live based on emotions and feelings alone, and so

I commit myself to read the self-perfected principles aloud to my self to establish the foundation in which my decisions should be made

Day 23 I get to decide

 Today is the start of quarter 3 in the year 2025. July 1st. Also Austin’s birthday, I need to text him. Anywho, following the advice of Jon Corteen and planning habits/creation on a quarter system I have put into effect a few simple things to measure over this quarter. Completing my course, doing my TT basics, self-forgiveness writing, and then stopping the habit of porn. I made these charts and as I was about to place them around the room I stopped because I had written in big letters on the side of all the sheets, Q3. And that’s what I wanted to reflect on. It’s quarter 3 of the year, sure. But it’s quarter 1 of me taking on life with a renewed sense of direction. With a renewed sense of clarity. With an idea of what I want and what it takes for me to accomplish that. The definition of peak performance is outperforming the person that I was yesterday. A few days ago that was an easy mark to hit, but when I woke up this morning it was time to get straight to work. These ideas are why I decided to mark my sheets with a Q1 because now I have an effective system of measuring my progress and making sure that every day when I lie down to rest I can self-honestly say to myself, today I did better and tomorrow I’m going to do it again. I am on the same page as my wife seeing where we are at and what needs to happen, and at this point in my life, at this point in my process, I really need to raise my standards, I really need to increase my baseline because what I’ve been doing just wasn’t cutting it. So when I look back 1,2, 10 years down the road and I see Q5, Q10, I’ll know it’s not an arbitrary title, but rather an indicator of where I am and where I am going, because when it comes to my own process and my own growth, that’s all that matters is where I am, and where I’m going. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live by a standard of growth

“If you’re not growing your dying” 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allows myself to see realize and understand that life is growth and that I have not even been living because I haven’t been intentionally growing in any way 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself my birthright which is to be as life by not striving for my utmost potential. I see realize and understand it is very easy to get lost in the system of the rat race and falling into the habit of working without purpose 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop striving for growth when it gets challenging, within this seeing realizing and understanding a common trend within myself that when something gets difficult I tend to avoid facing it, whether it be picking/chewing my lips while having a difficult conversation, picking up my phone to check for messages while doing some self-reflective writing, or eating to feel good when I’m experiencing physical discomfort. I see realize and understand that there will be no progress if I am unable to look myself in the eyes and challenge the man in front of me to do better  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want to challenge myself if there is little to no risk in the challenge, within this participating in the fear of loss whether it be my social standing, money, or my station in life. In all growth there is loss 

I see realize and understand a common trend within myself where I want things that require big action and big risk, but talk myself out of it or around it in the name of the preservation of my current character. Within this I see realize and understand that I have been actively fighting for my limitations and that to continue to do so will mean to continue this internal struggle of self wherein I do not stand up and face myself and so 

I commit myself to track the few habits that I have set out for myself every single day of this quarter and at the end of it to come back to this writing and see where I stand today vs where I stand 12 weeks from now to objectively determine if I have stood up and faced myself or continued to participate in the same limiting beliefs that have enabled me to create the current reality that I am living in 

Day 22 TBD

Today I met with Austin to catch up on things because we haven't much stayed in contact over the last year, year and a half, so he invited me to meet up and chat. I talked to him a bit about some of the recent realizations that I have had along with some of the things that have been heavy on my mind recently with regards to my current state in life. Work, time, health, purpose, etc. The long story short of it is that I shared with him my current plan of working on becoming a financial coach and selling life insurance, etc. in his words... "if you do that you are going to fuck yourself" I was triggered. But I listened. Because I know the principles that Austin lives by and I respect that he stands firm in the point of not compromising on building his business. He had some really interesting insights that I took home and shared with Gracie because some things, I had not even truly considered. I find myself at an interesting position in life yet again. Selling cars, another adventure I undertook where within the year I am already experiencing displeasure and looking for a way out which I found in this opportunity with financial fitness. He believes that if I continue on that path that next year we will be sitting down having the exact same conversation except instead of the displeasure around selling cars it would be the displeasure with selling life insurance or in his words "death insurance". I don't agree. I do believe that if I stay at my current job and look to incorporate building my business as part of my schedule I will not succeed at either, a belief I understand. I also believe that if I dive into financial fitness that I will find the time and space a lot more conveniently down the road to build my business, once again a belief. The reality being that there is not an inherently right or wrong answer, but that either way it is up to me to make a decision and to make it right. So why do I feel like it's wrong to put off building my TT business. Well maybe it is. Maybe it's not fair to the families that I could have shared with, helped, and supported since I quit building my business. Maybe it's not fair to the families that I wont share with, help, and support because I choose to work with financial fitness. And therein lies my dilemma. Because I truly feel that by working with financial fitness I will be helping people. that I will be supporting people. and that I will be sharing something of real value with them. Just not the same value as TT. The thoughts that go through my head, maybe that will open the door for TT clients down the road because these people already trust me and have done business with me, maybe I won't have to work as much and can spend time adding value to people's lives through our podcast and sharing online, maybe 3-5 years down the road I won't need to work full time anymore to support my family and I can take on TT full time and shift Financial Fitness part time. And then the conversation arrives that what if I instead just started working on TT now, which brings me back full circle to the difficulty of my schedule and wanting to change that point. So a dilemma. Or just a lot of overthinking, probably both. 

So what does each path look like.

In one world I call up Matt and say, "hey thanks for the opportunity, but I am just going to stay at my job because I have got this other really cool thing that I am working on and I don't want to jump into something brand new again and have to postpone it any longer" 

and then I wake up on my early shifts, go to work and then end my day sharing my TT business, and I wake up on my late shifts and share my TT business and then go to work, and on my days off I go out and share my TT business and ideally a few years down the road be able to quit my job and work my business full time

In another world I call up Austin and say, "hey thanks for the insights the other day, but I am just going to stick with the decision that I have made because I think this is the decision that is going to support my family best right now and put me in a better position in the next few years to really leverage my experience and lock in on my TT business"

and then I don't worry about my TT business right now and I instead work on replacing my income with Financial Fitness probably through the same means of working before work and after work and on my days off until I have replaced my income and then ideally a few years down the road be able to incorporate building my business on the side until I have the income to make it a full time endeavor.

The point I need to get over is not what I should or should not do in terms of work or not work, insurance or not insurance, sell cars or not sell cars, go all in or don't go all in. The point is regardless of what I am doing, I need to share my business and I need to share the tool that I have access to. Simple as that. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not share TT because I am afraid of being judged by my peers and by strangers

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prioritize the opinions of my peers and strangers over standing up as what I believe in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand firm as what I believe, I see realize and understand that my belief has been shaken and that is why I am not standing up and standing firm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my own lack of persistence and discipline as evidence of this group and this tool not being everything its chalked up to be within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to willingly remove myself as a participant from the group and from the tools and then claim they don't work even though the life I live and the people that my children are becoming because of the group and the tools are evidence enough that this system works

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be weak, not in a judgmental or shameful way, but self-honesty seeing realizing and understanding that I do not stand strong within my beliefs

I see realize and understand that I don't need to drop everything and run to the doors to go prospect for TT, but that I do need to open my mouth and share with others the amazing process that has gotten me to the point I am in my life

and so...

I commit myself to find a way to strengthen my belief in this process, whether that be through this process of self-forgiveness, or through a deeper understanding of the principles, whether it be committing to being on certain calls or diving back into the desteni material. I commit myself to create a belief so strong in this process that no matter what I am doing, selling cars, selling insurance, selling crack, that I will not stop sharing this process with others.

Day 20: 30 day upgrade???

 I am now going on 30 days of being sick. "Sickness is an opportunity for an upgrade"

Have I taken advantage of that opportunity? 

No, not really.

Have I dug into some of the issues related to my symptoms?

No, not really.

So what then. Am I ok with another 30 days going by without change, without self-honest reflection, without living up to my full potential? 

Mentally, no

Actually according to my actions, yes.

So what kind of person am I? and I mean in the self-honest, I know my own thoughts/actions kind of way. Not the what kind of person I imagine myself to be kind of way

Am I disciplined?

I can be if when it comes to distractions like porn, video games, and binge watching tv series and movies

When it comes to achieving goals, changing habits, stepping up to my potential, following through with hard decisions, then no the answer is I have gotten almost 0 discipline in that regard

Do I really want to be the person I talk to my wife, children, and family about?

In my head yes, I think I want to be the stand up guy who doesn't back down from his principles and knows how to prioritize effectively. I want to have loads of money and be super successful and get recognition and accolades, and help tons of people.

BUT

According to my actions, no not really. I am constantly seeking an easier route to take. A shorter path. A more instant result. I have not stuck with anything long enough to see major success, nor have I actually applied myself 100% to something and given it everything that I have got until... I want to live life on  easy mode, I want things to fall in my lap, I want the path to have less obstacles, less roadblocks, I want life to be a downhill straight where I can just cruise through. I don't want to bust my ass, I don't want to obsess over my goals, I don't want to go all in.

I have learned a lot over the last 5 years of pushing myself outside of my comfort zone and trying new things, but I have never accepted the challenge of being even just .01% better every single day. 

quick math, 100/.01=10,000/365 = 27

meaning if I shot for the bare minimum of .01% better every single day it would take me over 27 years to double my current attributes. SO if I am not even doing that, how long will it take then...

Do I actually care about helping people/changing the world?

No, I am selfish. I want to live a cushioned comfortable life. Sure, I think I want to help people in a meaningful way, that actually supports them. However, every opportunity that I have gotten leads to the same path of trying, it being hard, looking for something easier, jumping ship, repeat.

Actually helping people would mean setting aside some of my personal desires in order to grow myself into the person I need to be in order to make that happen. 

Do I care about my growth?

I want to make more money sure, but I don't put any time/effort into intentionally growing myself, so the answer would be no. 

If I was the star of a movie, what would the audience be screaming at me to do?

Cut out porn, limit distractions, be 100% honest with my wife 100% of the time, go all in on my goals, give my kids my everything when I am here with them.

I guess what it comes down to, if I had exactly 5 "fucks to give" and they were personal character traits, what would they be?

1. Love my wife as I love my children. Hold her, listen to her, help her make good decisions, support her utmost potential, give her my all when I am here, give her my undivided attention, never lie to her, be there for her when she is emotional, be a point of stability.

2. Obsess over learning. Consume myself with processing ability, knowledge, and skillsets. Don't become a jack of all trades and master of none, but rather become a highly effective learner who is able to pivot on a dime. Master the basics.

3. Take care of my body. Treat my body as I would want my children to treat theirs. Would I want my kids masturbating obsessively, nope. Would I want my kids consuming brainrot content hours on end day after day, nope. Would I want my kids filling their bellies with highly processed junk food that doesn't nourish them, nope. So why would I do those kinds of things to myself?

4. Live by principles. Self-perfected principles, read them, integrate them, recite them, share them, and allow them to become a part of every thought I have and every action that I take unconsciously.

5. Slow is smooth, smooth is fast. There are a million and one things to do, and a million and two ways to do them. Take a breath, slow down, and focus more on operating at a highly effective state. Peak performance mentality. I don't need to jump 25% one day and 0% the next week, but 1 +1 +1... will eventually equal 100, keep moving don't rush, slow is smooth smooth is fast. When learning new things commit to learning them, when acting on knowns, slow down and make sure you are intentional instead of relying on muscle memory.

Let's say I have 8 weeks of leave in which I am free to spend my days as I please. What does that look like if I am living around those 5 values above?

It looks like having a plan, a simple plan of action for 5 days a week, for 8 weeks wherein I know what I need to do every day, so that I wake up and act on principle instead of how I feel. 

It looks like saying yes to going on a walk, playing hockey, helping with dishes, watching the kids.

It looks like joining the self-perfected calls, spending 1 on 1 time with my wife, and taking time to myself to make sure that I am ok as well

It looks like not watching porn, prioritizing learning/action over video games and streaming.

It looks like having discipline with my diet, meaning food and information.

WHAT IF

What if I set a few non-negotiable rules for myself every day and actually followed through with them?

What if I set a goal of being better than I was yesterday and then did that every day?

What if I found a way of balancing my focus and energy between my own self, my family, my health, my business, and my hobbies and then got really effective at modifying that balance on a regular basis to accommodate to different circumstances?

IF I was able to do those three things right there, then I would be on track to separate myself from the large majority of people in the world and in turn I would actually become the person that I set out to be, I would actually get on track to hit some of my goals, I would actually have to face myself and see where I am falling short and make the adjustments necessary so that does not continue to happen.

IF I did those things, money would not be a big stress in my life, my marriage would strengthen, and I would set a much stronger example for my children. So what needs to be done???

5 non negotiable things I must do every day, 7 days a week for 12 weeks

1. TT basics; go through list 2 times writing words and reading definitions on second round. For lists in excess of 30 words and exception can be made to split list to be done over 2 days

2. Wake up with the sunrise and get some sunlight; set alarm for around sunrise the following day, go outside and take 5 deep breaths in the sunlight as soon as possible after waking up

3. Self-forgiveness writing; at least 5 min brain dump, 5 self-forgiveness statements, and 1 commitment statement. needs to be read aloud

4. Give every member of my family 15 minutes of my undivided attention 1 on 1 time; exceptions can be made on bell shifts if kids are asleep before I leave or before I get home, no exception for Gracie

5. Read 1 page of a non-fiction book; personal development, sales, history, biography, etc.

day 19

I have been frustrated lately. With work, with my coworkers, with my managers, with my son, with my self, it feels perpetual. It has been ongoing for quite some time now and I feel it has advanced due to my lack of accountability in dealing with this pent up frustration which brings me here. I have been feeling very emotional, with it taking only about 1 instance to set me off whether that be a smart remark, a reaction from someone, or even just an unmet expectation. I do know that to continue to allow these feelings to pent up will not be productive in supporting me to reach the next steps in my process through life, so I must start here using the tool of self forgiveness to assist me in living the change I wish to see in my life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be undisciplined with my time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated when I use my time unwisely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that I am literally creating the frustration and anger in my life through my actions and choices on a daily basis

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play observer to my frustration and choose to ignore the fact that so much of my frustration could be avoided simply by making different decisions with my time. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delay taking action due to frustration and pent up emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that a big part of my frustration stems from me not making the choices and living the change I wish to see in my life, within this I now see realize and understand that I am not able to see myself living the life I wish to create because I have not been making the decisions presently that would open up the path that would allow me to live that life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so focused on what I wish to do to support others that I have not taken the time to slow down and actually make sure that I live that change that I wish to support others with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated when I see that my coworkers and performing better than myself, not seeing realizing and understanding that in those moments I am living the expression "comparison is the thief of joy"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my anger and frustration

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a back seat to the circumstance I experience instead of putting my hands on the wheel and directing myself to where I want to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire 1% results while making 99% decisions and taking 99% actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delay aligning my actions with my desires

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live the change I wish to see

I see realize and understand there is a definite gap between where I am at present and where I desire to be as well as the gap between the life I live now and the life I must live to close that gap and so I commit myself to identify and make clear the necessary changes that must occur to close that gap and create a definite plan to do so incrementally until it is done

Day 21 Am I addicted to food?

 Since May 28th I have been dealing with gastrointestinal issues. I mean the real fun stuff. Stomach cramping, diarrhea (and I mean water coming out of your butt kind), and the cherry on top... a hemorrhoid! Sounds like a blast, NOT. It has now been a month and a day since I got sick and thankfully I decided yesterday to control what I can control. BUTTT that's not why I am here. I am here today to talk about being obsessed about food. and not like, I like food, but borderline depression because I am not able to eat the foods I want. 

The hardest part about being sick has not been the pending financial stress of not selling much this month. It has not been the physical symptoms and countless bathroom trips, nor has it been the complete lack of energy and the at times crippling exhaustion. No, the real challenge has been not being able to eat the foods I want to eat. It's been torturing myself scrolling through countless accounts of internet chefs cooking all of my favorite foods, and then having to go to the kitchen and eat steamed fish, or steamed chicken, or soup, or any of the other things that are supposed to support your body when dealing with extreme diarrhea like I have been. And please don't get me started on rice and congee, typing that out almost made me gag. 

I was speaking to Gracie today about how I feel like I have very little control over food. I like to eat what I like to eat. When it comes to my health, I am willing to do a lot. Change my diet though?? NOT A CHANCE. 

I need to cut out sugar, buttttt they brought donuts to work so I had one and that applies to the cookies, the muffins, the cake, the coffee, etc.

I need to stop eating junk food, butttt my coworker offered to buy me lunch so I got canes or in n out or a milkshake or whatever

And so the trend has went.

And now, faced with a dire health circumstance I was told by a dr and chatgpt to restrict my diet basically to cooked vegetables, broth, steamed lean proteins, like chicken breast and fish, and the one that really got me, rice and congee. I actually burped typing it that time. 

I'm not sure what the point is, but I guess that's why I'm here isn't it. 

So let's look at the consequences of these food decisions objectively

I say no [insert food here], and then I eat [insert food here] 

    objectively that shows a lack of discipline and commitment 

I am told I need to eat [food] to support my body while it is healing from whatever, and then I don't eat [food] because it doesn't appeal to my taste buds, or I'm sick of it, or I desire a new texture, or whatever

    objectively that shows I am not willing to do what it takes to support my utmost potential, EVEN                   WHEN I am given a winning plan

I eat, drink, or snack when I am bored, tired, stressed, etc.

    objectively that shows that I am using food as a coping mechanism instead of facing the real thing

While writing that last line I almost stopped to go get some bacon because yes I am eating bacon because I felt like the diet wasn't helping so I might as well eat the things I like to eat and have diarrhea instead of eat stuff I don't like to eat and have diarrhea 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself by the way of making commitments to do something and not following through with it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit on my commitments when I am presented with an easy way out or am face to face with adversity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use food as a way to avoid facing whatever reality I am dealing with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to support my utmost potential 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of the reality that I have created for myself, not wanting to see realize and understand the consequences I have created through my actions or lack thereof

I do however see realize and understand through this writing how small it can appear in my mind to follow the path of running away from my discomforts and within this I see realize and understand how I have created a habit of running away from my problems rather than standing up and facing my creation, seeing in what way I have created it, and adjusting whatever necessary so as to change my creation

I commit myself to, for the next day, create a log to track these small little nothings that go through my mind such as taking a drink of water, picking up my phone, putting my hand in my pants, opening the fridge, or whatever that little action may be that allows me to run away from whatever discomfort I am dealing with so in that way I can create an awareness of the habit and begin to change it