Since May 28th I have been dealing with gastrointestinal issues. I mean the real fun stuff. Stomach cramping, diarrhea (and I mean water coming out of your butt kind), and the cherry on top... a hemorrhoid! Sounds like a blast, NOT. It has now been a month and a day since I got sick and thankfully I decided yesterday to control what I can control. BUTTT that's not why I am here. I am here today to talk about being obsessed about food. and not like, I like food, but borderline depression because I am not able to eat the foods I want.
The hardest part about being sick has not been the pending financial stress of not selling much this month. It has not been the physical symptoms and countless bathroom trips, nor has it been the complete lack of energy and the at times crippling exhaustion. No, the real challenge has been not being able to eat the foods I want to eat. It's been torturing myself scrolling through countless accounts of internet chefs cooking all of my favorite foods, and then having to go to the kitchen and eat steamed fish, or steamed chicken, or soup, or any of the other things that are supposed to support your body when dealing with extreme diarrhea like I have been. And please don't get me started on rice and congee, typing that out almost made me gag.
I was speaking to Gracie today about how I feel like I have very little control over food. I like to eat what I like to eat. When it comes to my health, I am willing to do a lot. Change my diet though?? NOT A CHANCE.
I need to cut out sugar, buttttt they brought donuts to work so I had one and that applies to the cookies, the muffins, the cake, the coffee, etc.
I need to stop eating junk food, butttt my coworker offered to buy me lunch so I got canes or in n out or a milkshake or whatever
And so the trend has went.
And now, faced with a dire health circumstance I was told by a dr and chatgpt to restrict my diet basically to cooked vegetables, broth, steamed lean proteins, like chicken breast and fish, and the one that really got me, rice and congee. I actually burped typing it that time.
I'm not sure what the point is, but I guess that's why I'm here isn't it.
So let's look at the consequences of these food decisions objectively
I say no [insert food here], and then I eat [insert food here]
objectively that shows a lack of discipline and commitment
I am told I need to eat [food] to support my body while it is healing from whatever, and then I don't eat [food] because it doesn't appeal to my taste buds, or I'm sick of it, or I desire a new texture, or whatever
objectively that shows I am not willing to do what it takes to support my utmost potential, EVEN WHEN I am given a winning plan
I eat, drink, or snack when I am bored, tired, stressed, etc.
objectively that shows that I am using food as a coping mechanism instead of facing the real thing
While writing that last line I almost stopped to go get some bacon because yes I am eating bacon because I felt like the diet wasn't helping so I might as well eat the things I like to eat and have diarrhea instead of eat stuff I don't like to eat and have diarrhea
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself by the way of making commitments to do something and not following through with it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quit on my commitments when I am presented with an easy way out or am face to face with adversity
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use food as a way to avoid facing whatever reality I am dealing with
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to support my utmost potential
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of the reality that I have created for myself, not wanting to see realize and understand the consequences I have created through my actions or lack thereof
I do however see realize and understand through this writing how small it can appear in my mind to follow the path of running away from my discomforts and within this I see realize and understand how I have created a habit of running away from my problems rather than standing up and facing my creation, seeing in what way I have created it, and adjusting whatever necessary so as to change my creation
I commit myself to, for the next day, create a log to track these small little nothings that go through my mind such as taking a drink of water, picking up my phone, putting my hand in my pants, opening the fridge, or whatever that little action may be that allows me to run away from whatever discomfort I am dealing with so in that way I can create an awareness of the habit and begin to change it
No comments:
Post a Comment