Friday, May 31, 2024

Day 5: Reason=Excuse


Coming to Miami, I knew that I would be surrounded by the people who hold me accountable most. Knowing this I began to take an active role in walking my process because I knew there would not be any excuse to share that would justify me not walking process. It has fascinated me, when being asked about starting to write a blog, or how I have been doing, the point continues to come up about how I have been participating in excuses for far too long now. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that all of my excuses are valid, not seeing realizing and understanding that I have created a line between a reason and an excuse and within this not seeing realizing and understanding that a reason is only a justified excuse and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my excuses, for not walking my process or supporting myself and my family effectively, are justified

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the justification of my excuses, participating in thoughts such as "I'm not the only one that feels that way" or "it's ok for me feel this way", not seeing realizing and understanding that I was falling into the ego trap designed to keep me the same

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not hold myself accountable until I know that I will be held accountable by others, participating in whatever form of bullshit it may be, when it is just me and myself, but then beginning to try and change that point when it becomes apparent to other people and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only direct myself within the context of seeking the approval of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ok with accepting and allowing excuses for myself, despite seeing realizing and understanding that whatever I accept and allow within myself, I will accept and allow within others, so within this I now see realize and understand that the reason I have trouble pushing others to walk through points in their own process, is because I have refused to push my self and so I forgive myself for my active participation in the current system that thrives on abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that one day I will wake up and decide to no longer participate in excuses, not seeing realizing and understanding that a decision has to be made and that no one or nothing can make that decision for me, nor take the action to change those points for me and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to make the decision to no longer accept and allow excuses for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not building my business

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify watching porn

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not walking my process

I now see realize and understand that excuses=reasons and that excuses/reasons are just decisions that I make to stay the same and so

I commit myself to write out a list of 21 excuses that I make for myself and then break them down to see the points within each of them wherein I trick myself into remaining the same

Thursday, May 30, 2024

Day 4: Feel Good Inc


I'm going to share a thought that I had regarding the pain in my body and how it has affected my life. It goes as such, when I feel a lot of pain in my body I do what I can to not do anything that will make me feel bad. When I don't do anything because I am in pain I feel bad because I feel like I am being lazy, unproductive, etc. when I feel bad for being unproductive, I typically will suppress that feeling with porn or entertainment. When I suppress myself by watching porn or binging entertainment, I feel even worse and the cycle continues to perpetuate itself. What I have not seen realized and understood until now seeing this pattern in front of me is that my intention within all of these different points is to feel good right now, yet the things that I am doing are all things that cause me to feel bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a perpetuating cycle of causing myself to feel bad

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my actions on how I feel, not seeing realizing and understanding that acting based on how I feel with the starting point of avoiding my bad feelings is only going to create more of that in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not base my actions and decisions from the starting point of what is best

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid the way that I feel, not seeing realizing and understanding the point from a previous days' writing that, to suppress the way that I feel is to bury the seed of that feeling and the more I continue to suppress and avoid it I am providing a fertile soil for that seed to prosper

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delay my process up until this point, to avoid walking through the points that I am faced with every day to allow myself a fertile soil to grow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of the way that I feel, not seeing realizing and understanding that the only way out is through and that fear is just a waterfall

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support suppression through my own acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that suppression is what is going to make me feel better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only act in such a way to provide an outcome where I feel good as soon as possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus more on feelings than on the principles which are based on what is best

I see realize and understand that searching for feelings will always lead me to be searching and so

I commit myself to read the self-perfected principles to see where I must change to produce a consequence thats best for me and all life always

Wednesday, May 29, 2024

Day 3: Equivalent EXPRESSion


 It was not many days ago that I was prompted by the thought of suppression. I noticed day after day week after week of being at work, that my understanding of why men who work drink alcohol, smoke weed, do drugs, zone out on tv and video games, etc. I haven't seen the point for myself until very recently, but I finally realized, I have been doing any and everything I can (figuratively speaking) to suppress the way that I felt, doing hard work in the heat, working a job making someone else rich, not building a business or creating a life that I want. During my writing yesterday I got up from my computer and felt a lot of tension internally like there was something building up, when I realized, I had not yet taken the time to read my forgiveness aloud. What was missing was the physical expression. I forgot if I want to feel good I don't need to suppress, I need to EXPRESS.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intentionally suppress my internal state, not seeing realizing and understanding that when and as I feel bad, suppressing that feeling buries that feeling deeper within me, whereas expressing that feeling allows me to physically let it go and redirect myself.
    This simple realization goes a long way to explaining why I have continued creating what I do not want because my internal state has been a reflection of all of the "bad" feelings that I have continued to hold within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not express myself, there was a day when my son was expressing himself very loudly and I too joined him in this expression. What I saw realized and understood during these moments with my son is that I was holding back from fully expressing myself and could not understand why, within this point I saw how simple it would be to program my son to then begin to start holding back little by little from his full expression because that it what is being modeled unconsciously by his father, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not participate in a full me, who lives is complete expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel believe myself unequal to anyone or anything. When and as I see myself feeling unequal I have suppressed myself in order to create any conflict within others around me and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a people pleaser, not seeing realizing and understanding people pleasing is a form of suppression wherein I withhold myself from expressing myself to others participating in the excuse of "its not my place"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up to abuse, I can now clearly see realize and understand that not standing up to abuse is not only a form of suppression, but also it is a participating of the abuse. If I am not going to stand up to abuse then who will. Within this point I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to HOPE that others will be the ones to stand up in my place, not seeing realizing and understanding that if I continue to HOPE for change, change will never occur

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that participation in hope is a form of suppression, that if I am waiting for someone or something to create the circumstance I desire then I will not be fully expressing myself in order to create that circumstance for myself 

Within these points I see realize and understand that to continue to suppress is to continue to accept and allow a world wherein we live in a system that thrives on abuse, and so

I commit myself to read aloud the self forgiveness statements that I write every day in order to fully express and let go the internal tension

Tuesday, May 28, 2024

Day 2 - Honoring my Commitment to Self



 I used to do my writing very regularly focusing heavily on the self-forgiveness aspect and giving little if any attention to the actual commitments I was making. What I found at a certain point was that, I was not aware of what commitments I was deciding to honor, and also I discovered I was making commitments in such a way that I did not have to actually follow through and take any action to change. In this process there have been times where I have made commitments to change, that require me to take a definite action to live the change, and when I have followed through with those commitments I have seen a definite change. I made a commitment to myself yesterday to do my self-forgiveness writing process every day for the next 7 days. A definite action. And now I am honoring my commitment to self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not honor the commitments that I have made to self, not seeing realizing and understanding that honoring the commitments made to self is how I can practically measure change in physical reality.
    Only doing self-forgiveness and not following through with commitments is not real change it is only make believe change. To actually change I must do something different in physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I have a new/different thought/pattern of thoughts, that means that I have changed in physical reality. If I were to view myself from an outside perspective and only have a mental change occur, there would be no observable change in physical reality, thus leading me to realize that the only real change is made when something changes in physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the ego trap of believing changing in my mind = changing in physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in blame for my life not changing at times when I have not done anything different in my life to cause my life to change. To reflect on my previous days' writing "I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a choice when it comes to change. believing that if I continue participating in the thought patterns, habits, behaviors, etc. that I have always participated in that change will occur"
    Nothing changes if nothing changes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that others do not see/acknowledge/recognize the change in my life because in physical reality, I am not doing a lot of things differently, thus not a lot has changed. I see realize and understand that if I want people around me to see/acknowledge/recognize the change in my life, then I must ACTually change things in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be upset that certain points in my process have not ACTually changed when I have not ACTed any different, I see realize and understand that when I begin to ACT different I will begin to be different 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work against myself within the context of creating the life of my desires
    I want to have x, y, or z in my life and I take the time to write out what these things are and what steps I must take to create that, and I [sometimes] will make a commitments to do those things, the disservice I do for myself is when I do not follow through on those commitments, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not follow through on my commitments that I make to myself

I see realize and understand that committing to something and following through with it is a point that I have struggled with in the past that is a [mental] barrier to creating my desires and so

I commit myself to make simple commitments to myself every day to support me to take actionable steps to change

I commit myself to post a line of self forgiveness along with the link to my blog post on facebook for every day during my seven day commitment

Monday, May 27, 2024

Day 1 - The Writing of Self-Forgiveness


Through the time measuring a bit over 2 years now that I have been aware of the self-forgiveness writing process, I have been on and off with regard to my consistency. I see now that in the times during those 2 years I participated in this writing process, that I grew. Now reaching a time span nearing 9 months of doing almost no writing at all, I see clearly that something must change. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to intentionally avoid doing self-forgiveness writing, participating in excuses such as "I don't have time, "I'm too tired, I don't want to, etc." within this not seeing realizing and understanding the trap my ego set for me in order to keep me the same

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist change, fearing the constant ebb and flow that is natural in life, within this not seeing realizing and understanding that to resist Life is to accept and allow my becoming of a mind/ego being exclusively and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist my true nature as Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish to remain a child, to go back to a time where I had no responsibility, where there was always someone to guide/direct me as well as care for me, not seeing realizing and understanding that the time in my life to have no responsibility has passed and that the only way out now is through and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to be ignorant of the fact that I have a permanent responsibility to myself, my wife, my children, my community, and the world and I can either step up and into that responsibility by taking ultimate self-responsibility or I can continue to shy away from self-responsibility meanwhile, continuing to participate in the accepted and allowed world system of today that thrives on abuse. I can either stand for change or continue to be an abuser. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a choice when it comes to change. believing that if I continue participating in the thought patterns, habits, behaviors, etc. that I have always participated in that change will occur, not seeing realizing and understanding that I am only accepting and allowing change to occur within the context of negative accumulated consequence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of admitting who I am to myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of accountability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist my utmost potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create negative consequence in my experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create what I don't want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to admit to myself that I am afraid of change, responsibility, facing myself, admitting who I am to myself, Life, accountability, etc. 

I see realize and understand that if I want to change the best moment is now and that starts with knowing where I am and where I want to be

I commit myself to admit to myself who I am

I commit myself to write out where I want to be and what it takes to get there

I commit myself to write self-forgiveness every day for the next 7 days to prove to myself the change that I can create when I express myself self-honestly

Day 49

 Today was a good day I want to get out the thoughts I had about the conversation I had with my mom today I asked her for the more intimate ...