Day 42

 I truly think I am a cocky mf. 

Not like I’m so good or anything, but I really do think I am full of myself. I think I’m the most handsome, the sexiest dick swanging mf around. I think I’ve got the best looks, the best jokes, the best style, the best mind, the best personality, etc. 

I really feel like I can’t be beat. 

Buttttt

That’s not reality😂 

I mean maybe it is, but every single one of those things is subjective. Someone who hates anything that’s got brown skin, probably thinks the exact opposite of every single thing that I wrote up there. 

Heterosexual men, more than likely do not find me the sexiest dick swanging mf around, because like myself I would not find anything (other than myself) that’s related to the phrase dick swanging to be sexy in anyyyyy way.  

I don’t inherently see anything wrong with being very confident, but lately I’ve noticed the recurrence of a pattern where I feel so good about who I am…….

I stopped myself short, because maybe what I’m writing isn’t true. Maybe I’m not so happy with myself..

I do wish I was taller, I wish I knew the “perfect” way to style my hair, I was I was a “shower not a grower” and could just point to my generous print at any time of the day to let other guys know they don’t have what I have. 

I wish I could make more people laugh, that more of my jokes landed, that I got more praise, and more compliments. 

On and on and on. When I look in the mirror lately I feel very good about myself, more so than a lot of different points in my life, but there is a degree of dissatisfaction that I would be very a very dishonest man not to mention. 

I think, I think, that it’s because I’m not completely satisfied with a lot of these areas in my life, is why I come across as very cocky in my own mind and maybe that’s the difference because the confidence and being cocky is that in the former I accept me just for who I am and in the latter I act more [insert] because I’m not accepting myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and feel better about myself, by putting others down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and feel better about myself, by being arrogant or cocky

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my insecurities within a character who is cocky, talks a lot of shit, and acts as if he can't be bothered, within this I see realize and understand that hiding my insecurities is not going to support me to feel better about myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept myself for the way I am, my hair, my skin, my dick, my body type, etc. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unhappy with myself when there are many characteristics that I have wished on myself in the past that I now possess, not seeing realizing, understanding that I have a pattern of asking for something and being ungrateful when I get it

I commit myself to do at least 15 minutes of exercise every day until this upcoming Sunday to control what I can control about my appearance 

Day 41

Resistance is an interesting thing. It is curious however, when you overcome resistance through stable action, results tend to come through. It is fascinating to me, how change is an essential aspect of life, yet we as humans have developed a tendency to resist. You hear the analogy of a tree doesn't ever grow to 80% of its potential and give up, they reach for the sky even if it takes them years, months, decades to do it. 

We resist change and growth because we see it as an option. Change is necessary, at a certain point in the human life however, growth becomes an addendum to every thing else that is going on;. 

At work, at home, in public, in private, I have allowed growth to be an option. I have contemplated and even participated in complacency. And every step of the way fought tooth and nail to resist change and growth. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist growth

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be ready and willing to grow

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be ready and willing to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist my nature as a human, within this resisting the very life that resides within and around me, not seeing realizing and understanding how difficult it makes it to swim if you try and resist the current vs flow with and so I commit myself to getting up at 545 and doing my TT and my writing first thing every morning every day for the rest of the month

Day 40

My eyelids are heavy. resistance is a 10/10

Needless to say I do not want to do this, I don't want to spend 5 minutes writing my thoughts, I want to drone them out with entertainment and sleep, sounds productive. 

Enougb complaining, that only took up complaining, but also made little sense because, well, tired

I should not backspace and see what come sourr of here from this point on

TOdaay was a good day, I did no raell a car , but I gave myself a chance, becasue I swas ready and willing to take an up to grt a chcnace to sell a car, nbut I dook adavnage of it nad almost sold me one

 ,

I am tired], fhis is trange , i dont remember deelinf like r/hos ebfrore 

tired eyes, jeavyt hands, but I am showing up and doing the mothafucking thing not for any readon other tham Oto check th e box and keep shofin up f=pk

I forgive myself that I have acceoed and akllowed myself to procrastinate

I forgive myself that I havea ccepted and allowednrsknfrk won\

lets try again shall we

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prioritize discipline over consistency, I guess I mean lack of fiscipline over consistencyl

one more try

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowe myseflt to proritize enterntainment over disci[line

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disconnecy from my family in the name of getting donew hwat I dont get to do ever

I forgive myself that I hvae accepted and allowed myself to iscio disconnect from my family  in the name of getting thisngs done 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the things that I must do

I forgive myself that I ave accepted and allowed myself to not have control ove my mind an dsicjpmines 

I commit myself to finish my TT and wirintg every day before playing games or watching entertainment for thr est of the month 

Day 39

 Today was another good day. I didn't sell a car, and that's ok, I am rhyming now and I don't know what to say, so I'm going to stop.

Alright let's try again, I didn't have any crazy reactions today, I didn't lose my cool about anything out of my control. I enjoyed my day. I made the most out of it, I was productive, and effective, and if anything I paved a path towards a better future by the actions I took today and I am going to continue doing so for the remainder of the night aka no porn tonight AT ALL. Jewell I am talking to you, don't search it, don't try and see it on accident. It ain't worth it homie. 

What is worth it, is sitting down to do my writing and my TT and completing the things that have to get done before doing the things I want to get done. It's fun being effective. It's rewarding being effective. It's fulfilling being effective. 

There's a part of me that wants to remain the same, there's a part of me that isn't ready to let go, but that part of me is just the part that's used to it, not the part that is supporting my utmost potential or helping me to accomplish my goals and see my dreams realized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about results and not concern myself with the journey that will get me there

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a gap between a result and the steps necessary to achieve it 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that results do not just happen, there are things that must be done to bridge the gap between any given moment and achieving a result

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see realize and understand that bridging the gap between where I am at and the results I want doesn't have to be some crazy super disciplined religious like focus, but it is simply showing up and doing the little things over and over, keeping myself prepared at all times so that when an opportunity presents itself I am ready and I don't have to get ready

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the principle of if you stay ready you don't have to get ready within this I forgive myself that I have neglected to see realize and understand that being prepared for an opportunity does not just mean being ready, but it also means being willing and so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be ready AND willing to take advantage of any opportunity that may present itself

I see realize and understand there are some fundamental gaps in my work ethic that I have neglected over time and so I commit myself to answering every phone call that I can at work (with certain exceptions like having a customer at the dealership waiting on me) as a form of being willing to take advantage of opportunities that present themselves

Day 38

 What a day.  I am alive, I am awake, I am a creator.

and boy does it feel like it

it's amazing to see the difference in how I feel lately, I feel good, I have been optimistic, I have been productive, I have been disciplined, my body has been moving etc. 

That was a big ass upgrade that I went through because damn don't nothing feel the same. My confidence has been crazy, I have been less and less ashamed of myself and the way I am, and I can actually say that I am very proud of myself for where I am and what I am doing to keep moving forward. 

My path does not end here, there is a long way to go, and it might not always feel this good, but I want to remind you that every step you take, every hurdle you face, will absolutely be worth it, not only for the man you will become, but for the model you will set to your son about how to be a man, and the model you will set for your daughter about what a man should be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I feel strong urges to watch porn, that I have no option but to do it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unwilling to say no to porn when I feel a strong urge and I have an opportunity to indulge in it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unwilling to commit to not watching porn in the same way I will commit to doing my TT and writing every day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not strong enough to say no to porn every time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep watching porn

I commit myself to, for the remainder of the month, to not watch porn as a test of my discipline and commitment to myself 

Day 37

 Sometimes a huge part of my resistance to writing is just not knowing what to write about. Do I write about porn, video games, disappointment, the way I feel, I don't know.

What I do know is that just starting and writing something is better than writing nothing. That's the quarter of life that I am in right now. Doing something is better than doing nothing. Doing just 1 basics list is better than doing no TT. Doing self-forgiveness even if I don't go all the way into the point is better than not doing any reflection at all. Not looking at porn is better than looking at porn ( there's no gray area on that one) 

The point being, 4 weeks ago before I set these standards for myself, I don't know what I was doing. I don't know what I was doing to improve myself, I don't know what I was doing to reflect on my life, I don't know how destructive my destructive habits were

Q1 of the rest of my life is not about perfection, it's not even close. It's not even about foundation at this point. Right now we're in the blueprint stage, and that will probably even continue into next quarter. Figuring out where I am at, what works and what doesn't, what I need to change, and executing. That may take a year before I am ready to break ground and lay the foundation. 

That doesn't mean not moving, or being busy instead of productive. It means setting realistic standards of growth for myself, building the necessary discipline and habits necessary for said growth, and then channeling the two into definite action to be taken.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is better to do nothing related to growth than to do a little bit related to growth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am not 100% into something that its better to be 0% into it, not seeing realizing and understanding that is a very easy way to remain the same

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to remain the same than to challenge myself to grow bit by bit

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not challenge my patterns

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not show up for my utmost potential every day even if I only give it 1% effort

I commit myself to complete my TT and writing every day for the remainder of the month

Day 36I

 I passed my life and health insurance exam today. That was relieving.

It's interesting to see how my level of stress decreased so dramatically once I saw that "passed" banner post exam.

I then tonight was going through and updating my trackers and noticed how I have not been on top of my habits this week and it has me wondering how the stress of having this exam affected me without my knowing, to reflect on a previous writing about how I have been created as and have continued to create a character that gets overwhelmed by stress quickly.

Was is the stress or was it just the habits revolving around stress

procrastination

negotiating agreements made with myself

binging entertainment

Like just now, spent half an hour distracting myself from doing this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shy away from having hard conversations with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear confrontation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist confrontation for fear of losing someone's good graces including my own

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to people please to the extent of trying to avoid confrontation with myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist being honest about the way I feel with myself and with others

I commit myself to leave my phone in a separate room while working on my TT and my writing process

Day 35 slow down cowboy

 I had a really good week last week. I hit 7/7 days on my TT, as well as 7/7 days w/o searching for, looking at, or watching porn. That's a big step in the right direction. My writing could have used some improvement as well as my dedication to my studies, but the point is progress which I made.

Throughout this growth, I have incorporated diet and exercise as a necessary point in my daily process and I feel like it has created a sense of urgency inside of me that is not supportive to my overall growth. Yes, I believe speed is a necessary factor to consider, but moving with speed and rushing are two separate points

I feel as if I have been rushing. 

rushing to eat

rushing to play

rushing to work

rushing home

rushing calls

rush rush rush, all in the name of achieving results faster through volume of activity vs achieving results through quality of activity. practice in itself CAN be good, but its perfect practice that yields the results.

I think growth is good, but I think now being 3 weeks into this quarter its time to take a step up from just doing the activity to actually trying to maximize the growth I can get out of the activity. writing 5 self-forgiveness statements is great, but have I learned anything about myself?

doing my tt is great, but did I just zone out the whole time?

clocking time on my course is necessary, but am I better preparing myself for my test?

All of these things that I am doing I set out to do because I believed they would be instrumental in supporting me to grow from the person that I was at the beginning of the quarter into the person that I need to be to see my dreams realized

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do the minimum necessary to say that I have done better than the day prior, I see realize and understand that goal is to continually do better, but within I also see realize and understand that 1+1 grows much faster than 1+.01

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that doing what I committed to do may have been better than where I started, but that will not sustain the growth necessary to achieve peak performance, I see realize and understand that I must push myself a step further day after day if I truly wish to achieve peak performance. I can't just show up anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back from pouring everything I have into myself, I see realize and understand the trap of putting too much on my plate at once, but also there is self-honesty to be found within, where do you draw the line between too much and just enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in my belief of what I am capable of, using my past failures and burnouts as an excuse to not push harder than the last time or as an excuse to not do more than before, I see realize and understand that I have accepted and allowed a character to exist within and as me that is highly susceptible to burnout

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought processes that have impulsed on me such as "you get sick when you're stressed, you burnout easy, you get sick when you get overwhelmed, etc" not seeing realizing and understanding how my active participation in these thought patterns has created a reality wherein I get sick when I get stressed, I burnout east, I get sick when I am overwhelmed etc.

I see realize and understand clearly the difference between taking a monumental step vs a tiny step forward and within this that both points represent progress, but I see realize and understand now that to focus on making minimal progress is to make no progress at all in my drive to succeed and so I commit myself to only working on the task I set out to when it comes to doing my writing, my TT, and coursework meaning no phone, no distractions

Day 34 another day another nickel

 I don't know what to write about and so I'm writing these words here. I don't know what to say, my thoughts aren't very clear. I'm singing this as a song that's running through my head, it's already very late and Sunny is in bed.

I have been worried lately about the amount of cars that I have sold over the last few months and how that ties in with my income and my job security. It's something that I think about on a daily basis and something that I have dealt with often in the past and it always comes back to the same point of, focus on what I can control. 

Can I control if my appointment shows? No

Can I control if someone buys a car? No

Can I control if my customer shows up and works with someone else? No

Can I control how many lay downs, or hard bargainers, or terrible credit scores, or any other type of customers that I get? No

Then why is it that my thoughts primarily are focused on those things?

Can I control how many cars my coworkers sell?

Can I control the pencil I get from my manager?

These are the things I spend the majority of my workday on. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct my energy and attention on the things that I cannot control

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not focus my energy on what I can control

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about the things outside of my control instead of directing my focus on what I can control

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about the worst case scenario when I can instead direct myself to do the things I can control that can directly influence wether or not I realize that worst case scenario

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disillusion myself with the belief that my results are out of my control, not seeing realizing and understanding that I can directly influence my results through my action

I commit myself to, tomorrow making a list of the things that I can control with regard to work

Day 33 Just do it

 Resistance is real. 

I have 0 doubt about that. I mean its obvious, even children face resistance when it comes to trying new things, meeting new people, etc. so it would make sense as an adult that we would have lots of it.

I have resistance towards a lot of things.

working out, doing my writing, staying away from porn, limiting video games, keeping my phone out of the bathroom, etc. the list goes on and on.

I'm here today because I have noticed a strong resistance to "swallowing the frog", the context being there was an author or a random person at some time who told a story like if you knew every single day of your life that you had to swallow a frog whole, wouldn't you just do it first thing in the morning and get it over with, that way you know regardless of what goes on the rest of your day, you got the hardest part out of the way. 

Seems like a solid plan, but here's the thing. I probably wouldn't want to swallow that frog, I don't think any of us would and therein lies the predicament, that we face resistance towards doing the things that we're going to have to do anyways, so it gets put off, it takes up mental space, and then even after a whole day of thinking about how you don't want to do it, you still gotta swallow the damn thing (pause)

I have resistance towards sitting down and getting straight to work, for some reason I prefer to waste whatever amount of time, either just a moment or the whole amount of time I have set aside, just because I have resistance towards doing the work.

When I wake up in the morning, I could get up and get to straight to it, buttt I'll usually lie in bed on my phone for a bit

When I get to work, I could get straight to my follow-up, but I like to scroll through all of the info in the CRM and catch up with coworkers

When I stay up after the family goes to bed, I could sit down and do my writing, but I like to look at my game or scroll before doing it anyways

Notice a theme here.

It's a consistent pattern and it's time to address it. I don't have to be perfect, just better than yesterday

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play an active role in resisting the things I know I must do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and avoid the discomfort of doing what I must do, by putting it off to do later

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that the discomfort I face when doing the things I must do is a result of not doing them, which is the point of doing them in the first place, to build the habit and discipline necessary for the growth I am trying to achieve

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I won't have time to do the things I want to do if I do the things that I must do first

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the fear of missing out, within this not seeing realizing and understanding that if I procrastinate on entertainment and then do what I must do, it will take the exact same amount of time as doing what I must do and then entertaining myself. I now see realize and understand the thought pattern that I have created to allow me to justify the pattern of procrastination and so I commit myself to, tomorrow morning when I wake up, to not use my phone for any form of entertainment until I have completed my TT and my course work that I have committed to doing every day.

Day 32 It don't matter to me

 Today is the second time now that I have basically been insulted for the decision that I made to get licensed for life insurance and securities, and today is the second time now where I immediately when into a thought pattern of questioning my decision making process, and doubting myself. 

Something was different today though, I didn't try and justify it. I didn't try and defend my stance. I didn't try to make them understand why they were wrong and why the decision I made it right. Because it doesn't matter. No one else understands the ins and outs of the position I am in better than myself. No one else knows the details of the opportunity in front of me the way I do. So why do I feel the need to justify my decision making process.

I don't.

and that's the realization that I had today, that it doesn't matter if someone else thinks I am making a wrong decision, because I didn't make the decision in the first place to get that person's approval, so why should I be seeking it now. 

I shouldn't.

and that's what brings me here today is that I finally figured out part of the equation of "not caring what other people think." You don't need anyone else's approval. A decision is just that, a decision, it's on the decider to make that decision right or not and I have every intention of doing so, so.. no one else's input is necessary at this point

If they think I shouldn't do it, great.

If they think it's a terrible idea, great.

If they think it's the best opportunity I have ever been a part of, great.

None of that matters if I don't get out there and do the thing I need to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek the approval of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in people pleasing by trying to get others to agree with my decision making process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be swayed in my conviction of the decisions I make by the opinions of people who don't have half of the context of my situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am making the wrong decision when someone else disagrees with it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself as an authority when it comes to making decisions for my life

I see realize and understand that in a game where it is me vs me, yes, I am my own biggest opponent, but I am also my number one supporter and nobody wants me to win more than me so I need to trust myself and so I commit myself to, when and as someone disagrees with my decision making process, to listen to them, and not attempt to convince them that it is the right decision for me because at the end of the day whether I convince them or not has no bearing on my own success

Day 31 just keep swimming

 Get better every day. Sometimes getting better means just showing up. I think I take that for granted. Showing is better than not. My mind immediately goes to "well if you're going to show up, you should give it your everything" and I agree (I'm so smart). However, where am I. Right now I can self-honestly say from an objective standpoint, that I don't even show up for myself every day. So, to show up everyday for myself is to make improvement. I can't give my all if I am not even there, so if improvement is the name of the game then showing up every day means that I win. I need to stop underestimating that. I just need to give myself more shots on goal and then once I've figured out that part, I can start perfecting my form. Baby steps.

I set the rule for myself of doing a 5 minute brain dump to allow myself to spill my thoughts, 5 self-forgiveness statements, and 1 commitment statement. all in all probably about 10-15 minutes of my day minimum. Showing up for me in this quarter of my life means an extra 10-15 minutes. If I am unable to do that, then all of the steps down the road don't even matter. Right now is foundation building and I need to appreciate the fact that right now the hardest thing I have to do is just show up. Once I have done that it is not going to get any easier for me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not show up for myself every day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest my resistance towards showing up for myself as excuses as to why it's ok to miss a day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play an active role in my resistance by participating in distractions and procrastination

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn the same lesson over and over about my participation in resistance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disillusion myself with a character who is "smart" when I have continually proved to myself that I have to learn lessons over and over again before they stick, within this seeing realizing and understanding that it is ok to accept and allow that right now, I am dumb/stupid because it takes me multiple lessons before I change a behavior, but that it is not acceptable to remain dumb/stupid because I have an awareness, and that to continue to be dumb/stupid with regard to having to learn lessons over and over is to not be teachable nor coachable and so 

I commit myself to make a list of 3 lessons that I had to learn multiple times that I still have not changed my behavior

Day 30 the good the bad and the ugly

 there is a lot of good bad and ugly to all of us I think. I tend to block out some of these parts or act is if my ugly is just kinda bad, or my bad isn't really that bad, and that my good is great. My own personal cheerleader it looks like. But what is the reality of that, is it that I am cheering myself on, or that I am disillusioning myself and making myself believe that I am who I am not. 

Spoiler* I already know the answer

and no, its not an auditorium full of MEs cheering me on, its more like the angel and the demon on the shoulder, but the devil uses a megaphone and the angel only speaks up when the devil is procrastinating on bad advice

Theres' the power of the mind. It's truly an amazing thing, but definitely a force to be reckoned with. 

I have trained my mind very well at the art of lying to myself, of hiding the truth of who I am from me so that I think I am better than I am. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disillusion myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blur the lines between my good, my bad, and my ugly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid doing things when any resistance arises

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self-honest with myself

I commit myself to, by the the end of this upcoming Sunday night, create a list of my good, my bad, and my ugly from an objective standpoint

Day 29 Divorce

 I recently got triggered to recall a video of me competing in sports, which led me to ask my dad about his hard drive containing videos of me and my brother being competitive athletes. There is another writing for another day to do on many points within that, but that's not why I am here tonight...

Tonight I am here to make a word web surrounding the word divorce

I was looking at my progress through the years of sports and noticing the huge difference in myself between the years. Today I found a video of when I was in 8th grade which opened this train of thought...

I never won in an individual sport like track until the 8th grade. 

However for years before that I was putting in the work to better myself and that is when it really started to show

Freshman year was better than 8th grade being able to make it to the valley track meet for highschoolers in the Central Valley, having to beat sophomores, juniors, and seniors to be in that position.

Sophomore year, I didn't do as well as freshman year due to increasing physical pain

Junior year my marks I don't believed improved much from the years prior and the pain was near unbearable

Senior year I was unable to compete from the pain and had to be put in a cast for my injury

That's the chronological order, so what happened at that plateau from freshman to sophomore to junior year

Ah, that's what brings us to today's writing. In the summer following my sophomore year, is when my mom told my family that she would be separating from my dad and that from that point they would be living separate. Which brings me to my word web

divorce

separate

separation

abandoned

house

leaving the house

rushville

mira sol

apartment 

duplex

packing up

annoyed

suppressed

repressed

upset

bothered

depressed

anxious

mad

pissed off

fucking angry

mad as hell

I want to hit something

I want to hit someone

I want to hit mom

fuck you

fuck you mom

get away from dad

happy to be out from him

freedom 

do whatever I want

no consequences

crying

tears of sadness

tears of frustration

tears of anger

fuck mom

fuck you dad

fuck that nigga

you piss me off

long texts

angry texts

confused

emotional

jumbled

rollercoaster

unstable

wine

red wine

alcohol

boyfriends 

random guys

late nights

drunk mom

drunk

picking mom up drunk

fucking mad

terrible mom

alone

left

marriage

happy

uncertain

mad

angry

crying

emotional

bothered

left

alone

left alone

abandoned

regret

parents

dad

sorry

apologetic

disregarded

fucked up

wrong

wronged

abandoned

messed up

pain

shins

sports

bry

kiss

herpes

sex

virginity

separated

end of family

broken family

broken up

broken

recycled

nonrenewable

broken agreement

broken up

im so sad

im so alone

im sorry dad

that was fucked up

i didnt know better

left him all alone

sobbing

held in

holding on

stuff it down

hide it

bury the emotion

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to feel the pain of my parent's divorce

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from my pain

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to numb the pain so I don't have to feel it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the pain of my parent's divorce without expressing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the way I feel about my parents divorce

I commit myself to meet with each of my parents individually before the end of the month to talk to them about their divorce

Day 28 bacc at it again

 Today my wife and I had a misunderstanding that goes as such. 

She pulled up YouTube and saw a suggested video for a mobile game I used to play. 

She then checked my search history and saw that game frequented in my searches and asked me about it. 

I told her yes, I have been playing that game again, blah blah blah

This happened while at work. 

When I got home it was brought up and we were talking about it and I felt very triggered by the way she was approaching the conversation. 

The long story short is that I walked away from the conversation and that made her more unhappy. 

Here is some more context. Throughout our relationship I have broken her trust many times, lying about porn, telling her my inner dialogues about other women, etc. and so naturally she is at times not trusting. Today when she found that I was playing that game again because I didn’t announce to her, “hey btw I’m going to start playing this mobile game again” she felt that same sense of betrayal especially because I have been spending a lot of time in the bathroom due to campylobacter (a story for another day) and in the office working on my course, and personal process. Her concern was that I’ve been lying to her now about going to get stuff done and just playing a game in there, not the case this time around. 

So 

She was upset because of the trust issues I created 

I was upset because I wasn’t trying to be intentionally deceitful, I was just trying to play my game without it interfering with my life. 

And I had to walk away from the conversation because I couldn’t think without emotion. 

I gave myself some time and after being ignored and a “fuck you” from my wife, I came to her and said “I don’t have anything to say, but if you do I’d be happy to listen” and that led to a really constructive conversation that ultimately cleared up the miscommunication. 

Anywho, we both became very aware of this time loop in our relationship of her feeling/being deceived, confronting me, me not liking how I’m being confronted, and walking away from the conversation. So that brings me here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unable to filter my thoughts from my emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the way I feel is what is true in reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that the realities I create in my mind are what is real instead of stopping, breathing, seeing realizing and understanding that if I am thinking about the situation I am involving myself in it, but if I were to look at it objectively I would be able to see it for what it is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to follow a train of thought when I become highly emotional, not seeing realizing and understanding that is my minds way of keeping me wrapped up in the energy 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself in the way of lying to others, trying to convince them of a truth that I am trying to convince myself is the truth not seeing realizing and understanding this does not fit the definition of self honesty. 

I see realize and understand I am lacking in self honesty and so I commit myself to read the principle of self-honesty 

Day 27 I'm disappointed in you

 I'm disappointed in myself. Not in a "you suck, you're such a terrible person" kind of way, but more so a "damn, you've proven to yourself recently that you can be alone and make the best decisions" kind of way because last night I didn't make the best decisions. That's where the disappointment comes in. I looked at things I agreed with myself not to look at, and it should have stopped there. I could have said dang, that was a bad decision, I'm going to mark my board and move on, but instead I assumed the mentality of, dang, that was a bad decision, but since I already have to mark my board I might as well "get it out of my system" hence the disappointment. But, with self-awareness you can bring change. I am aware of that thought process, I can see clearly that it is a destructive thought process, and in the name of peak performance, I can make a better decision next time. No need to get wrapped up in the rollercoaster of it all. So yes, I am disappointed in myself, but I am also proud of myself because here I am the following day, acknowledging the poor decision I made, seeing what I need to take responsibility for, and moving forward because that in itself is showing growth from the person I used to be who would have allowed this to make me spiral.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a bad decision worse, meaning when I stumbled and broke the agreement with myself I should have stopped and breathed whereas instead I participated in the thought process of "I've already stumbled, so it's ok to fall"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an inner dialogue that only sees 1 degree of failure, within this I see realize and understand that failure is failure, but I also see realize and understand that there is a difference between a 50% and a 60% meaning that if I fail I fail, but I don't have to get the lowest grade possible just because I "missed some questions"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am not achieving perfection, that anything less is total failure not seeing realizing and understanding that in reality, for my mental diet, there is a very big difference between looking at censored lingerie pictures for a few minutes and watching full blown pornography for hours. yes, technically both of those decisions lead to a failing grade, but one of those is far more detrimental to what I am trying to accomplish with my growth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is only a first and last place, not seeing realizing and understanding that my goal with setting these trackers up for myself was not to be in first place at the end of the quarter, but the goal was to strive for peak performance, to be able to look back 12 weeks and say that maybe I am not the best version of myself yet, but I can for damn sure say that I am doing better than that guy was doing 12 weeks ago

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep out of my mind the goal of doing just better than I did yesterday, perfectionism is a program, I am not doing this to be perfect, I am doing this to be better, and so I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to have made a better decision than I would have in the past

I see realize and understand there is a self-destructive pattern within this point of growth, pain, etc. where I won't accept just doing better. I now see realize and understand that to do better, to make better decisions is how I will win. It doesn't have to be flashy and so 

I commit myself to make better decisions

I commit myself to when and as I am faced with "winning vs losing" to stop and breathe and to see realize and understand that winning and losing in this case is not plain black and white, but there is a gray area where I might not make the best decision, but I made a better one than I would have, and so once again I commit myself to make better decisions 

Day 26 I don't feel like it

 I just want to zone out. I don't want to focus, I want to go "brain dead". Ok. I feel a bit better

After working a productive shift at work, I come home and am very tired. I however need to complete my self-forgiveness writing, but I don't want to. 

Literally as typing this, I flipped to a different tab to start sorting my emails, really important stuff. Crazy how easy it is to slip off track. All I needed to do today was sit down and do my writing and I ended up crawling into the deep end with porn. Where I made 1 excuse for myself to look, I made another excuse to search, and then continue on to watch, when I could have stopped, breathed, done what I needed to and went to bed.

And now I sit here in this limbo, I don't want to write, I want to feel guilty for myself, I don't want to go to bed, I know I'm going to have to mark my board blah blah blah

What feels natural is going into pity about it

but that is not going to change anything, all I can do now is do better moving forward

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate on the things that I know must get done

I forgive myself that when and as I see myself procrastinating that I accept and allow myself to make room for nonproductive things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the same mistakes over and over again 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belittle myself for making the same mistakes over and over again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself down

I see realize and understand that to continue on this path means never being able to rely on myself and so I commit myself to fill out my trackers honestly for the duration of the quarter so that I can look abck and see at least the truth of where I am

Day 26 Something about slee

There's something about sleepy time that makes me react to my son. When it's "time" for him to sleep, whether at the end of the day or just lying down for a nap, I find myself getting triggered when behaves just like the 3 yr old he is and he crawls around, wiggles his body and seems to talk in a run-on sentence for several minutes straight. And I get upset at that, I raise my voice at him, I'll speak harshly to him, with the excuse in mind of I am tired or I need to get something done, or even simply that he said he wanted to rest. As I seem to tell others often, "is it really that big a deal?'

I mean what is that point, because typically I am very easy going with him, typically I am his number 1 advocate for expressing himself, but when it's time to rest it's almost as if a switch flips and I need him to sleep. As I am writing this the dominating thought in my head is that when he sleeps I basically get a break from him. An interesting point to consider because usually I will be sleeping with him, but in those cases the dominant thought is how tired I am and how I need to sleep NOW, not in 10 minutes after he has wound down. Regardless, my attitude towards his pre-sleep expression has become unacceptable and the point must change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express my pent us stresses and frustrations towards my son when he is simply expressing himself before sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actively participate in excuses of I need a break, I need to sleep, I need to get something done, not seeing realizing and understanding that I have the time and space to get all of those things I need , but that I am simply being impatient because I act as if I need them now and there is no other option when that is not true

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that it is ok to delay gratification meaning that when I think I need something I oftentimes will not even grace myself a breath before acting to get it, within this not accepting and allowing myself to be present in my physical body, but rather being active in my mind because I think I need something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny my son full and total expression of self by using my loud voice and harsh demeanor to subdue him to rest, not seeing realizing and understanding part of the reason I am behaving that way is due to my own suppressions thus I am creating the same point within him and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own pain within my children by not accepting and allowing myself a full and total expression of self

I see realize and understand that this point of suppression both within myself and my son is no longer tolerable and so I commit myself to, when and as I see myself participating in thoughts such as I need to sleep, I need a break, or I need to get something done, stop and breathe and remind myself of this writing and my sons need to express himself 

Day 25 the truth or not the truth

 June 30th - July 2nd, did really well with all of the habits that I set forth for myself. July 3rd, I worked from 830 am, not getting home until after 10 pm. That night, I gave myself an excuse. I am tired, I worked all day, my computer is about to die, etc. What I did that night was go back into my thinking brain and I began to renegotiate the contract I made with myself to follow through with a few simple habits for the entire quarter, with the exception of my course. 30 min of course work or a practice test until my testing date, 1 TT basics list, 1 self-forgiveness blog, and not watching porn. Well on the night of the 3rd when I got home and I wanted nothing more than to just hang out and watch a show, I decided that it was ok to not do my TT with the limited computer charge that I had left. I decided it was ok to not use my phone to do my self-forgiveness writing, and the following day which was yesterday I continued this negotiation with myself extending it to my habit of not looking at, searching for, or watching porn, by doing all of those things. I continued with this pattern of breaking my agreements with self by engaging in the inner dialogue of whether or not to hold myself accountable to track the habit of not looking at porn or by doing it in such a way as to hide the true result from my wife. Well phew, good thing I woke up this morning and decided to fall back on the decision I made instead of continuing down this path of self-destructive decisions. I admitted to my wife the decisions I made, told her the truth of when and how many times I broke that habit, and then even told her about how I was planning on not following through to track this habit self-honestly. Why?? Because a big factor in creating the person I desire to be is by giving my wife 100% honesty 100% of the time, why?? because when my wife and I got married we did so based on an agreement and within that agreement, we decided that we would both live self-honestly. Well if I am lying to her then I am lying to myself and that is no way to build a successful relationship. The long story that is too long to be short is, participation in an inner dialogue that allows me to renegotiate the agreements and commitments I have made with myself are destructive and need to be remediated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to renegotiate the agreements and commitments that I have made with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an inner dialogue that allows me to not live up to my full potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in such a way that does not fit the definition of peak performance meaning to compete with myself with the goal of outperforming the person that I was the day prior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be content with complacency, meaning to be ok with settling as the person I was previously, or less

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand the detriment of not pursuing growth, within this, if you are not growing you are dying and what that truly looks like. being chronically tired, constantly in pain, unable to focus, stress and irritation, etc.

I now see realize and understand that prior to beginning this new quarter of my life the person that I was, was ok with not taking a step forward every day, was ok with not following through with his commitments, was ok with breaking his agreements to himself, and I now see realize and understand that to be better than I was is to make new decisions. 

I commit myself to follow through with my previous commitment of reading the self-perfected principles and to do that today

I commit myself to read through the tree of life and see what I have participated in by not following through with my commitments and to see what I need to do to remediate that point within myself

Day 24 and so it continues

 "this too shall pass"

Time after time in my adult life I have made very strong, very passionate, and at times very stupid decisions (shoutout to me for being able to make a decision), but sticking with the decision... well we've got some work to do in that department. 

This time feels different, but it's not about how I feel. If I just did what I felt like, I wouldn't be writing this right now, I'd be approximately 2 minutes into my next episode of vampire diaries. But therein lies the problem, is that historically I do have a track record of making my decisions based on the way I feel, which can be beneficial at times to leverage energy, but the problem within the pattern lies in the discontinuation of the feeling that led to the decision being made. 

I felt like I needed a complete rework of my life in 2020 when I quit valley strong, so with all the emotion and passion and drive I could muster, I quit my job, I cleaned out my closet, and I set course for the rest of my life and thennnn something changed in my feeling and I didn't really work that hard at creating the life I wanted 

and then I felt like I needed to shed my identity so I shaved my hair that I had been growing for 7 years, told everyone around me I am taking control of my life and thennnnn something changed in the way I felt and cared more about porn and video games than creating anything or developing myself

and then and then and then

"this too shall pass"

the double edged sword. pain, trauma, fatigue, it doesn't last forever. neither do feelings. but principles those can stay the same

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to revolve my life, my actions or lack thereof on the way that I feel

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change the way that I live my life when the way that I feel changes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself such a fickle foundation from which to grow by not grounding myself in a set of principles to live by

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change the principles that I live by when the way that I feel changes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize and understand that when I make emotional decisions based on how I feel, if there is no foundation of principle within that decision then as soon as the emotion fades or the feeling changes that there will be nothing left to stand on and I will free fall until a new emotion or feeling arises for me to make a new decision

I see realize and understand the point of why it makes no practical sense to make decisions or live based on emotions and feelings alone, and so

I commit myself to read the self-perfected principles aloud to my self to establish the foundation in which my decisions should be made

Day 23 I get to decide

 Today is the start of quarter 3 in the year 2025. July 1st. Also Austin’s birthday, I need to text him. Anywho, following the advice of Jon Corteen and planning habits/creation on a quarter system I have put into effect a few simple things to measure over this quarter. Completing my course, doing my TT basics, self-forgiveness writing, and then stopping the habit of porn. I made these charts and as I was about to place them around the room I stopped because I had written in big letters on the side of all the sheets, Q3. And that’s what I wanted to reflect on. It’s quarter 3 of the year, sure. But it’s quarter 1 of me taking on life with a renewed sense of direction. With a renewed sense of clarity. With an idea of what I want and what it takes for me to accomplish that. The definition of peak performance is outperforming the person that I was yesterday. A few days ago that was an easy mark to hit, but when I woke up this morning it was time to get straight to work. These ideas are why I decided to mark my sheets with a Q1 because now I have an effective system of measuring my progress and making sure that every day when I lie down to rest I can self-honestly say to myself, today I did better and tomorrow I’m going to do it again. I am on the same page as my wife seeing where we are at and what needs to happen, and at this point in my life, at this point in my process, I really need to raise my standards, I really need to increase my baseline because what I’ve been doing just wasn’t cutting it. So when I look back 1,2, 10 years down the road and I see Q5, Q10, I’ll know it’s not an arbitrary title, but rather an indicator of where I am and where I am going, because when it comes to my own process and my own growth, that’s all that matters is where I am, and where I’m going. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live by a standard of growth

“If you’re not growing your dying” 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allows myself to see realize and understand that life is growth and that I have not even been living because I haven’t been intentionally growing in any way 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself my birthright which is to be as life by not striving for my utmost potential. I see realize and understand it is very easy to get lost in the system of the rat race and falling into the habit of working without purpose 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop striving for growth when it gets challenging, within this seeing realizing and understanding a common trend within myself that when something gets difficult I tend to avoid facing it, whether it be picking/chewing my lips while having a difficult conversation, picking up my phone to check for messages while doing some self-reflective writing, or eating to feel good when I’m experiencing physical discomfort. I see realize and understand that there will be no progress if I am unable to look myself in the eyes and challenge the man in front of me to do better  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want to challenge myself if there is little to no risk in the challenge, within this participating in the fear of loss whether it be my social standing, money, or my station in life. In all growth there is loss 

I see realize and understand a common trend within myself where I want things that require big action and big risk, but talk myself out of it or around it in the name of the preservation of my current character. Within this I see realize and understand that I have been actively fighting for my limitations and that to continue to do so will mean to continue this internal struggle of self wherein I do not stand up and face myself and so 

I commit myself to track the few habits that I have set out for myself every single day of this quarter and at the end of it to come back to this writing and see where I stand today vs where I stand 12 weeks from now to objectively determine if I have stood up and faced myself or continued to participate in the same limiting beliefs that have enabled me to create the current reality that I am living in